When the political gets personal #8thRef

This article originally appeared in The Mayo News on Tuesday, 18th April 2018.

A relationship with a close friend came under strain a few years back, when he was adamant in his opposition to the marriage equality referendum, and I was just as adamant in my support for it. We talked, we debated, we argued, we cried (well, one of us did) and ultimately we fell out. He went his way and I went mine and we each cast our votes according to our consciences. Afterwards, we reconvened. We didn’t talk about the issue ever again. And things have changed. I see him differently now, even though he’s the same person. He sees me differently too. And I miss the way things used to be, but we can’t go back.

I often think about my friend, for whom absolutely nothing has changed in light of the result in that referendum, save for an increase in demand for wedding gear from his retail business, which he’s delighted with. (If only they knew.) And then I think that nothing has really changed for me either, apart from an increase in expenditure on wedding clobber. But then I remember that although neither of us are affected directly – neither of us has been forced to marry a person of the same sex as a result – other people have benefitted greatly from gaining these rights. And at the back of my mind, although I love him dearly after over 20 years of friendship, I cannot quite forgive him for trying to stand in the way of other people’s happiness and to deprive them of their rights, because of his own personal discomfort. And maybe I’m just as wrong as I think he is, in my inability to forgive.

That was the marriage equality referendum, which was painful and damaging to many people, but always stood a better chance of passing than referendum we are facing into. Already bitterly divisive, with absolutely no inkling of what way the result will go. Already, the cracks are beginning to appear.

This column is not about my opinion on the rights and wrongs of abortion so please, if you’re considering responding to argue that point, don’t. It is unnecessary. My mind is well and truly made up and has been for many years. This column is simply an admission that, on a personal level, the prospect of the Eighth Amendment not being repealed terrifies and upsets me, for a myriad of reasons. I cannot help that, and those reasons are not just my own; they are the result of the sufferings of thousands of women in Ireland who have told their stories, and in whose shoes I cannot know that I or a loved one will not walk at some point. But it is also an admission that I am scared of the collateral damage that this debate will cause, among families, friends and loved ones, including my own.

I can understand and empathise with the beliefs of people who are anti-abortion, even though I do not personally agree. But what I cannot understand, and cannot  – will not – empathise with, is with the stance of those who would deny women the choice to access safe and proper medical treatment – in many cases, completely unrelated to the issue of abortion. Those who would actively vote to ensure that more women suffer tragedy and cruelty.

And when some of those people are your own loved ones, things start to get painful.

If you fundamentally disagree on an issue that is hugely important personally to both of you, is it possible to accept those differences, compartmentalise them and move on with everything else? Or will the knowledge – in this case, that someone would literally vote against giving a doctor the legal security to save your life, or vote to potentially force you to carry a pregnancy you didn’t feel you were able to – fester in the background, tainting everything else? Is it possible to reach some level of compromise, or understanding, or acceptance, or is it a bridge too far?

These questions keep me awake at night and make my heart hurt.

At what point should the balance tip between fighting for the rights you believe you – and other people – should have, and fighting for your own personal and family relationships?  How much can you compromise? How much can you forgive and be forgiven? Should you care so much? Or so little?

If this passes, moving on will be easier, because it’s easier to be forgiving when you know you’re gaining your fundamental human rights. But if it doesn’t …

I don’t have the answers. But I have a feeling it won’t be long before I do.

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4 thoughts on “When the political gets personal #8thRef

  1. Powerful piece, AM. I don’t know the answer, but I feel it will be hard to forgive those who – once again – deny women the rights they’ve already been denied for far too long.

  2. This first came up in the citizenship referendum. I could not reconcile people who would vote to deny a baby citizenship based on inflated racist rhetoric with the idea of them as friends. That was our “build a wall” moment that’s pretty much forgotten about now, because so many voted in favour. I’ve not experienced that friend becoming an instant stranger since, thankfully, but I imagine many are. I’m uncomfortable even having to give my “permission” for others to gain rights. Hearing others vocalise why it’s correct to further deny those rights is a thing of disgust. At some point that feeling supercedes feelings of friendships. Maybe irrevocably.

  3. Twice in my life I have been in the situation where my partner of the time has had a termination. In the first instance it was my wife. The matter was not discussed and was not even aware until after the event. That action changed our relationship completely and the marriage ended in divorce NOT because of the termination not being discussed but because it had a profound effect upon my wife and she had what I think these days would be described as a mental breakdown. On the second occasion my soon to be partner had a termination. I was aware this time. In neither case was I happy about the termination. In the first case I might have argued against, in the second I concurred, but in both cases I felt and still do feel that it is not my position as a partner and certainly it is not the right of some person or organisation who is not a family member, to dictate to a woman what she should do in these circumstances. I do feel I have the right to put forward my point of view on the situation but not to make the final decision.

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